This week in Doug’s rehabilitation has shown steady improvement, but it has not been without discouragements and little setbacks. I’ve watched him struggle with his emotions as he desperately tries to recall a word that used to be on the tip of his tongue. I’ve watched him grunt as he uses every ounce of strength to lift is leg off the mat. I’ve watched him teeter as he reaches for an object on one side of the table and moves it to the other. And, I’ve watched him as he takes unsteady steps while supported by his therapist. He has managed to improve despite a blood transfusion, clots, fatigue, pain, anxiety, insomnia, lack of appetite and depression.

     As I watched I struggled with my own emotions, fatigue and discouragement. My prayers have been desperate pleas for his recovery. I lie down at night wondering if he’ll get any sleep. I wake up in the morning knowing I’ll have to prod and coddle to get him ready for the day. By the end of the day we’re both exhausted and about to give up. 

     Tuesday, the 18th marks the one year anniversary of Doug’s cancer diagnosis. The weeks following were filled with activity, anxiety and a lot of disappointment. Then he started chemotherapy and things settled into somewhat of a routine. A look at the statistics for pancreatic cancer reveal that he has already lived far longer than he should have. We got encouraging news in January relating to his cancer, but since then he has had a number of other setbacks with infections and, most recently, his stroke. It’s been an incredibly difficult year and I don’t anticipate a reprieve any time soon.

     I often wonder if God is telling me “His grace is sufficient for me” as I plead Doug’s cause before Him. However, I count on Him for daily strength because I’m just that exhausted. I count on Him for daily grace because I’m just that discouraged. I count on His promise to not abandon me because I very often feel alone. And I count on His Word because it gives me comfort. 


      My Bible reading today took me to Ephesians 3:20-21 - “Now to Him who is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us, to Him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” These verses of encouragement have come up many times during this journey as have many others. I’ve claimed them and I cling to them. Along with that I pray that our lives will glorify the Lord even in the trials. I pray the Lord will have mercy on us and heal Doug. Mostly, I pray God will accomplish His purpose soon. I’m so weary.

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 14, 2017 at 7:56 PM

    Oh Renate, we have no words. Just a loud heart cry rising next to yours.
    (Jon and Cynthia Stone)

    ReplyDelete
  2. EdwardApril 14, 2017 at 8:02 PM

    Thank you for being so very transparent. This helps us know how to pray. And we are praying, and we will continue to lift you up before the Throne of Grace. Psalm 103:13-14 "As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear Him. For He knows our frame, He remembers that we are dust."
    Does Jesus care when my heart is pained too deelply for mirth and song; As the burdens press and the cares distress, And the way grows weary and long? O yes, He cares - I know He cares, His heart is touched with my grief; When the days are weary, the long nights dreary, I know my Savior cares. Love, Jan

    ReplyDelete
  3. Marie RehnertApril 14, 2017 at 8:15 PM

    Bless you, my dear sister in the Lord...I am holding you both close to my heart... knowing He holds you both in His loving hands, and who knows His plan for you. His plan will be fulfilled, and you will beautufully glorify Him in it. As each wave comes upon you, He will continue to provide you the grace to withstand it...grace upon grace...��

    ReplyDelete
  4. UnknownApril 15, 2017 at 2:05 AM

    Our hearts ache with you and several others...

    ReplyDelete
  5. Michele B. AthaApril 15, 2017 at 5:40 PM

    Prayers for strength!

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

A Walmart Experience

      It's a foregone conclusion that when we go to Walmart, we can expect to experience any number of things. From the woman wearing a bikini and high heels to the girl in pajamas and slippers, we are neither shocked nor surprised by such sightings anymore. My experience the other day was different, but certainly within the realm of possible Walmart encounters. My mom and I went to pick up a few things. These excursions usually begin with me coasting up and down parking lot aisles becoming ever more frustrated as I look for a handicap spot. It can be almost impossible to find one simply because of the general clientele of the superstore chain with discount prices. It would behoove them to add more than the requisite number of parking spaces for those with mobility issues, but that's another subject for another day.  I finally found a non-handicap spot with enough room to squeeze a motorized cart to the passenger door for my mom. I went in through the market entrance and h
Read more

Skipping Sunday

Someone recently asked me if I hate Tuesdays. I answered, “Yes.” Doug died on a Tuesday and they will be hard for me for the foreseeable future. As I thought more about that conversation I came to realize that Sundays are even harder. I would like to go to bed on Saturday and not wake up until Monday. I would like to skip Sunday. We were together on Sundays more often than any other day of the week and when we returned to the US it was difficult for me to go and sit in a church service and not participate in some way. However, my ministry role had transitioned from that of pastor’s wife to full-time caregiver and I could not slack. I had to be content with sitting in a service when I could and allow others to minister. Since Doug’s Home going, Sundays have become even more difficult. Songs of worship often bring on tears; especially the ones that address the resurrection. When someone prays, I find myself reaching for Doug’s hand. When the pastor makes an interesting point, I want
Read more

When a Church goes Above and Beyond

          The First Baptist Church of Hamburg, New York has a long history and heritage. Founded in 1810, the church has been a presence in the community for more than 200 years. It began with a small group of German believers and experienced consistent growth throughout the 19th century.            This growth resulted in the founding of three other churches in the area, all of which are still in existence. The First Baptist Churches of Eden and East Aurora are worshiping and impacting their communities in the village centers. Armor Baptist Church was established in a small community at a crossroad. It has since changed its name to Armor Bible Church. The 20th century brought about a burden for missions and several families called First Baptist their commissioning church. The Harold (Doug's father) Reiner family was commissioned and left for the field of Brazil in 1948. About 10 years later, Harold's brother, Ray also went to Brazil to preach the Gospel. Doug and I were the
Read more