The Hood Ornament

         When driving the two-lane highways of northeast Brazil, it's not uncommon to see roadkill. A variety of animals lie on the side or in the middle of the road that range in size from cattle any time of the year to tarantulas after a heavy rain. The roads are unlit at night and if you find yourself driving during that time an animal can appear seemingly out of nowhere.

Any dead animal on the road seems to send out a radio signal advertising fresh meat to all the vultures in the county. I've seen as many as ten feasting on a horse. The vultures pose as much a threat to your car as the other wildlife. The ugly, black carrion fowl are reluctant to leave the main course for the day as the car drives by. The gluttons want to tear off every last bit of flesh they can. When they're finished, a pristine skeleton remains. And yep, it's gross.

Did I mention they're protected by law? It's illegal to kill the vultures because they're the garbage collectors of the northeast. 

        So why am I telling you this? Well, we had an interesting encounter with one of these "majestic" birds. 

Doug, Candice and I were driving at a pretty high speed down one of these two-lane highways on our way home after visiting Alex at school in Fortaleza. Up ahead we noticed a lone vulture. The dead animal wasn't large but it was right in our lane. The bird looked up at the approaching car with a four-inch piece of intestine hanging from its beak. Doug slowed the truck a little but not too much as the birds usually scampered out of the way in time. Not this guy. Just before we collided with him, he decided it might be a good idea to skedaddle. Too late. The black feathered beast made contact with the grill and . . . disappeared. Candice and I turned around to watch him come out the back end. When he didn't we looked at each other confused. I turned to Doug and said, "Um, the urubu (vulture in Portuguese) didn't come out the back."

"Are you sure?" he asked. 

Candice and I both nodded. "Yep, we're sure."

Doug slowed the car and pulled to the side of the road. He got out of the truck and literally inched forward with a pinched look on his face not knowing what he would encounter. Once at the front of the truck his demeanor transformed into one of confused exasperation. Doug quickly got back in the car and said, "It's alive and it's stuck in the grill." Alrighty then.

The truck was a 2000 Ford F-150 and the grill style had three large plastic horizontal bars with about four inches of space between them. It was a poor design and Ford changed the look the following year. The reason I tell you this is that crazy bird was stuck between two bars with his head and wings hanging out the front. He looked like a Pontiac hood ornament. We couldn't see the other half.

We drove to the next little village, actually more a settlement, to find someone to help us get it out. None of us was going to touch that feather brained nuisance because he smelled . . . well, like a dead animal. Having to put up with the odor the six or so hours we still had left on our trip was not on anyone's bucket list that day. 

A teenage boy came along and, upon seeing the predicament we were in, offered to help. He grabbed the bird by the wings, braced his foot on the bumper and began to pull. After several yanks it was obvious the creature was good and stuck. On a whim the boy decided to try pushing it through and out the bottom. This time the boy folded the wings and proceeded to push the bird through the grill forcing it out the underside of the car. That did the trick! 

And would you believe that stupid bird was still alive? He stumbled out from underneath the truck, took a few wobbly steps, slowly spread his wings and took off with an unsteadiness reminiscent of a drunken sailor on land with sea legs. See? You can't make this stuff up. 

The teenager cleaned the grill of blood, feathers and a four-inch piece of intestine. Doug gave him some money and thanked him. He inspected the radiator and couldn't believe there was no damage whatsoever. We climbed back into the truck and continued on our way paying special attention to the birds dining in the road.