Understanding Reality

 

Someone close to my church family recently went through a very harrowing experience. As traumatic as it was for those of us praying constantly for him, it can't compare to what he actually faced. That valley is behind him now, but the memory won't fade any time soon.

One statement he made struck me right in the heart and took me back eight years to when Doug and I were awaiting the results of the first scan after the first rounds of chemotherapy. He said, "When you sense that you are not in control, that's when you have an accurate understanding of reality. Thankfully, the gospel introduces us to a caring Father - our loving, benevolent Sovereign. In that, we can rest. God is good."

I remember the feeling when I was faced with reality. It was something I had not expected and it shocked me. We were at the Cleveland Clinic cancer treatment center waiting for results of the CT scan. The doctor came flying around the corner, his lab coat fluttering behind him, into the room and stated, "Your cancer is getting worse." No preamble, no lead in, just those words. It was getting worse. The oncologist later clarified the previous treatments had not been totally ineffective. The tumor on Doug's pancreas had shrunk significantly, but the lesions on his liver had grown. There would be new course of treatment.

That was when I fully realized matters were completely out of my hands. I had no control over Doug's treatments. I had no control over his cancer. I had no control over anything. I thought Doug had been getting better so I walked into that appointment with the confidence we would receive a positive report. When we didn't my confidence was crushed and left scattered in tiny pieces on the floor. I walked out of the treatment room and left the pieces where they were. I had no use for them anymore.

Later that day I went for a long walk and, like Hannah, poured my anguished heart out to the Lord. I didn't hold back the pain, disappointment, or my shattered hope. And in the quiet of the breeze rustling through the green summer leaves, God reminded me, "I've got you. I've got this. Let me run the show." Reality set in making me aware of the fact that, whatever I thought was true before, was my imagination. God in His sovereignty rules what is real. 

I gained a new, more grounded faith in the Lord which guided me through the next months until Doug went to the presence of the Lord. My faith had been tested and strengthened because of it. The quote in the second paragraph articulates what I realized and confirm today; eight years later. I rest in God's sovereignty and know that He is good because I accurately understand reality.


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